


No Such Thing As Silence

by tiny_hands_hongjoong



Series: The Slightly Unhyped Enhypen [8]
Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Big Hit Entertainment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Platonic Relationships, Secrets, Sensory Overload, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:54:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28369473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiny_hands_hongjoong/pseuds/tiny_hands_hongjoong
Summary: "What's wrong?""It's nothing, don't worry about it, please."Sunghoon knows there's something that he needs to tell the members, but he worries that it's too small of a problem to bring it up. That is, until it really starts affecting him, but even then would he have the courage to tell the members?
Series: The Slightly Unhyped Enhypen [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980910
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82





	No Such Thing As Silence

**Author's Note:**

> I can't put sensory overload in the tags because I'm uploading this in the tags, but basically it's not specified if he has anxiety or not, but in this fic Sunghoon gets pretty bad sensory overload. 
> 
> I apologise for any inaccuracies, I did look some things up but this was based mainly on my own experiences.

The car was comfortably loud, with conversations overlapping each other as Sunghoon watched the scenery through the car window. He let his mind drift, not having much to think about other than how much he wanted to go back to his bed for another few minutes. 

They came to a halt and Sunghoon spotted the building that they would be doing the interview in. It was a tall, modern looking building with lots of windows and a revolving door, which made the maknaes a bit more amused than it should have. 

Sunghoon followed the staff through the entrance, corridors and into the elevator, until they reached the floor that they would be doing the interview on. He felt nervous, as he expected, but he knew that it would probably turn out fine. 

They sat in a waiting room before the interview, where Sunghoon felt like he was getting fidgety already. The chatter around him was getting quieter and he was made to focus on smaller noises like the irregular tapping of Heesung's shoe. He closed his eyes and resisted the temptation to tell him to stop, as the noise rattled in his brain. 

Just as he managed to calm his frantic mind, a member of staff approached them and led them into the room for the interview. The room was smaller than expected with cameras already inside as they waited for the boys to sit down to begin the interview. 

They began the interview not long after, and Sunghoon just listened without saying much in fear that he might get frustrated by small noises as he tried to speak. The sound of Sunoo's voice was just beginning to be more relaxing than before, when he noticed movement from behind the camera. It was only small and on the other side of the room, but one of the members of staff was tapping their fingers lightly against a table at the back of the room, and no matter which way he turned, Sunghoon couldn't get it out of his sight. 

He was no longer focused on the interview, but instead he was focused on ignoring the movement in his vision, which just made him notice it more. Suddenly the sound of voices became more like a constant echo that he couldn't get rid of, but he knew that he would have to deal with it until the interview was over. 

All he wanted was absolute silence, but it felt like the small, unnoticeable noises were marching into his mind and pestering him constantly to the point that he just wanted to scream to drown it all out. But he had to stay civil, it was an interview, and he had to get to the end for the sake of the members and his own dignity. He repeated words in his head to drown out the sounds, but he could still see and hear all of the background noise as if it was all amplified just for his annoyance. 

When the interview finished he felt like he didn't need to hold his breath anymore, and while the other members hung around for a bit, Sunghoon left the room and went straight down the corridor to the men's toilets. He swung the door open and went into one of the cubicles, locking himself inside. 

The noises in the toilets were minimal, and he slowly managed to calm himself down from the overwhelming thoughts that were taking over him. It was like his mind had been finally released from the restrictive grip around it, and he could breathe again. 

As soon as he felt calmer he left the toilets and joined the others, since he didn't want to keep them waiting otherwise they could start to think something was wrong. He couldn't let them know, they would just think he's being dramatic about something small. Even he himself sometimes thought it was just something small that he needed to get over even when it affected him so much. 

He thought about this in the car journey to the Belift building, his nerves beginning to pick up again at the irregular sounds of cars from outside. He thought he'd calmed down and that it would be gone, as it usually only lasted a couple of minutes, but today must be an exception. He was already getting frustrated at the noises and the movement around him. 

It wasn't easy to hide while he was in the car, but luckily it was only a short journey and he felt like it probably could have been worse. Sunghoon, Jay, Niki and Sunoo stepped out of the car to head inside, and Jungwon followed after them, telling the driver that he needed the toilet and would only be quick. 

Sunghoon took deep breaths as he navigated the Belift corridors, knowing that he couldn't do a V Live in this state. He could hear his heartbeat thrumming in his ears and his breath picking up, but he told himself he could control it. 

They finally reached the room for the V Live after what felt like a lifetime, and they sat down in chairs as they waited for the staff to set up the devices. The sounds around him were louder now, he could hear the other members talking and the staff discussing things, and all of the noise was acting like a gap in a circuit, completely stopping his brain from functioning. 

His palms became sweaty as he silently begged for silence, but it wasn't going to happen. He still needed to do the V Live. How would he speak when he's like this? How could he think when all he can think of is the noise around him? How could he manage in a V Live if he was already digging his nails into his palms to resist the temptation to scream. 

Just as a member of staff came over to tell them they were ready to start the livestream, Sunghoon stood up.   
"Can I do this a different time?" he asked quickly, his throat feeling dry from being nervous. 

"We already set up, Sunghoon-ssi. It won't last too long," they replied, but Sunghoon knew that any longer was too much. 

"Please, I'll do the next one. I just can't… right now." It was hard to explain without exposing the heart of the problem, but eventually the staff let him go, with Jay's help as well. 

He almost ran through the corridor as he tried to reach the car before it left, and luckily Jungwon had only just gotten back from the toilet. The members looked like they wanted to ask him why he wasn't doing the livestream, but they kept quiet instead. 

The dorms were quieter and felt calmer, and he went straight to his room that he shared with Jake, but Jake wasn't there and had presumably gone to talk with one of the other members. Sunghoon sat down at his desk, sighing deeply as he got out his phone. 

He's nerves were settling, so he unlocked his phone and decided to open up V Live to watch the other member's stream. They seemed fine without him, and they were talking about random things like their TMI today, but when Sunghoon checked the comments he immediately felt bad. 

Most of the fans were asking questions to the members, but he saw several comments asking where he was, that they hadn't seen him in a while, asking if he was okay, and it made him feel like he'd let them down. They were right, they hadn't seen him in a while. Why wasn't he there? Why couldn't he just suck it up and carry on like everyone else? Why did he think he was the special one who could choose his own schedule? 

He closed V Live, not wanting to think about it any more. He spent a long time scrolling through different apps to try to numb the overwhelming awareness of his surroundings, and he eventually decided to lie down and try to nap before they would eat together when the other members got back. 

-

He felt tired when he woke up, and he didn't know why, but he heard knocking on his door so he slowly dragged himself up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

He opened the door and Jake was on the other side, smiling at the sight of a sleepy Sunghoon.   
"Dinner's ready, but we'll save you some if you want to get some more rest?" Jake suggested, and Sunghoon politely declined the offer. 

"It's fine, I already got enough sleep, thanks." 

He followed Jake to the dining table where the other members were already waiting, and they began eating the meal that some of the members had prepared. The noises at the table were frustrating, and Sunghoon didn't have much of an appetite. 

"Hyung, why didn't you do the V Live?" Niki asked, out of curiosity. Sunghoon knew it wasn't an accusational statement, but something in his mind wanted to take it the wrong way. 

Why didn't he take part? He was just as responsible for his schedule as the others were for their own. It should be easy for him to just get on with it, everyone gets nervous so why can't he handle it? 

"I wasn't feeling well," was the answer that he gave, and they seemed to accept the answer and move on, but Jake's eyes lingered on him cautiously. It probably did seem suspicious, Sunghoon couldn't blame him, he had opted out of a V Live, and then had a nap in the afternoon despite his usual sleep schedule that he tries to stick to, and he wasn't eating much either. But it wasn't like his emotions could affect him physically, right? 

The question Niki had asked had left a painful imprint in his mind, but he could hardly even think about that with all of the noise around him. This was what people usually called silence, but it felt deafening to Sunghoon. There were the sounds of chopsticks on plates, of the movement of chairs, of noises outside and the sound of Jungwon tapping his chopstick on the table. 

He wasn't even tapping it to a rhythm, how could he live with it himself? 

A conversation started again, as everyone had mostly finished eating, but he could still hear the sound of Jungwon tapping the chopstick. He tried to focus on what people were saying, but his mind kept going back to the tapping, to the constantly changing noise that was so loud to him. He just wanted to concentrate but it was hurting his mind the more he tried to block it out. 

His heart was beating louder in his ears, his frustration growing until even the sound of breathing was making him furious. He didn't just want to scream, he wanted to punch something, to throw something, he wanted to destroy everything in his sight even if the thought of such selfishness made him feel sick to his stomach. 

He couldn't bare it anymore, but what was he supposed to do instead? The noises were overlapping and he couldn't decide which to focus on, it was all too overwhelming until he eventually slammed his hand over Jungwon's to stop the tapping. 

How childish. 

Jungwon glanced at him with apologetic eyes, and Sunghoon saw Jake and Heeseung look over at him, as if the attention that he had so childishly drawn to himself could get any worse. 

He stood and stormed away, locking himself in the bathroom as he took out his phone and the earbuds from his pocket. He needed anything to block out the noises, and if this was all he had then he would try it. 

It was worse. 

It was so much worse, it wasn't just noises anymore, the noises were interrupting the music, they were in the background, they were so loud and so irregular compared to the music, this was a terrible idea. 

He unlocked the bathroom door and fled from the dorm before another member could even spot him, slipping on his shoes as quickly as possible without bothering to get a coat. 

His pace towards the company building was almost a run as he navigated the streets, hating the sound of his footsteps, of the cars and the people and the birds, of everything that made any noise around him. 

He reached the building and rushed inside, covering his ears with his hands but he could still hear through them. Each sound felt loud, even small movements were disturbing him, as he ran down a corridor until he reached an empty studio with soundproofing on the walls, and he went inside and slammed the door behind him with a sigh. 

He still had his earphones in his pockets plugged into his phone, he took them out and put the buds in his ears, pressing play. There was still some kind of buzzing that he could hear, maybe from a computer or just his ears, but it wasn't too strong, it wasn't as bad as it had been. 

Maybe he could calm down now, his body still tense from the panic and the sudden run through the cold evening. 

But he was still struggling to get his thoughts straight. He felt awful and selfish for stopping Jungwon and drawing attention to himself, he felt disgusting and disruptive. All he wanted to do was stay still, absolutely still, with complete silence except for the sounds he chose to hear. He even wanted his own voice to leave his head. 

The buzzing was getting louder, and inconsistent, and it was bringing everything back that he was only just recovering from. The desire to punch something was too strong, he wanted to trash the place and run away and punch something, the ground, a building, a person, anything, he just wanted to destroy anything making a noise that he couldn't control. He wished he could just be ejected into space, into the totally silent vacuum until the understimulation made him want to come back to Earth. 

He put his earbuds in his pocket and took a pair of headphones from near the computer, placing them over his ears as he plugged it into his phone. He just needed silence, total silence, that was all he pleaded for. 

The movement of the headphones wire was enough to make him want to take them off but he knew that it would be worse if he wasn't wearing them to block out the noise. He could hardly even focus on his thoughts or the song, the process of his brain was being interrupted as if it had been hacked into by an unknown signal, coming from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. 

Then there was a rapping against the door. 

An innocent, gentle tap. 

Like a drop of water falling into the sea. 

The sea that was held back only by a weak dam, a dam that could only take so much more pressure before it broke. 

The door clicked open, and the dam broke. 

Sunghoon yelled, he shouted without words or meaning, it was an inevitable flood that coursed through his whole body wreaking only havok as he took the headphones from his head and threw them, across the room and his phone went with them, with a pathetic thump onto the floor. 

Pathetic was the word he would use to describe all of it. 

It was just Heesung, he'd only come to check on him. 

The anger still ran through him, the damage had been done, there was no going back. Maybe he would run now, run away again as he did before, as he always did, run and run from his problems as the flood chased him. 

The flood followed him dangerously closely, it was inevitable that the waves crashed over him. The pain rooted deep in his mind and he resisted and kicked and screamed as the seawater filled his lungs and drowned him out. 

And then it was quiet. There was nothing, except for the ruins of Sunghoon's self-esteem and emotional stability, lost beneath the surface of the small, sloshing waves as he sunk to the sea floor. He'd ultimately failed, the crashing, killing, hunting tsunami that fueled his anger now gone, and only despair remained. 

And now tears ran down his cheeks as Heesung hushed him quietly and tried to wipe the tears that kept streaming down his face. He was hopeless, and tired and pathetic and weak as he leaned towards Heesung and dried his tears on his shoulder, feeling too embarrassed to want to speak or move. 

Heesung didn't pry, he hardly asked questions at all except whether he was okay, whether he wanted to go back to the dorm. He hummed in agreement, clinging to Heesung's shoulder as he refused to lift his face from the older boy's shoulder. He didn't want to walk through the streets in the cold either, and he certainly didn't want to face the other members when he got back, but all he wanted right now was to go to bed and just pass out right away. 

-

The morning after that night was strange, in a way that, any other day it would have seemed normal, but because it was after the event, it didn't feel so normal. 

He avoided eye-contact, especially with Heesung who had unfortunately had to witness his breakdown, and he was almost too unmotivated and exhausted to even want to attend any of their scheduled events that day, which luckily consisted mostly of just practice and meetings with staff. 

After the episode yesterday, he wasn't feeling as sensitive anymore, or understimulated either, but instead he was just slightly numb, like ice pressed against the sore bruises of pain and embarrassment. 

The meeting went by excruciatingly slow, with them being fed information that he didn't have the brain capacity to comprehend at the moment. 

Eventually the meeting ended though, but just as they were leaving, Sunghoon was asked by a member of staff, not just any staff member but the one who had hosted the meeting, to stay while everyone left. 

"Sit down, Sunghoon-ah," she said, and he did so. The seat felt less comfortable than it had previously, for no reason other than his nervousness. 

"Heesung told me about an incident that happened last night. Would you care to explain to me what actually happened, as Heesung thought it would be better for you to tell me," her voice didn't sound as welcoming as he had hoped it would, but he just assumed it was her tone, because surely Heesung wouldn't put him in a bad light? 

"I… panicked while we were at the dorm. And I came here and went into one of the studios to cool off," it sounded so fully sugarcoated just to say, he knew that he was hiding details that he should probably say. 

"And a coworker of mine reported that a pair of headphones in their studio, which they had left unlocked for another producer, had been destroyed, what do you know about that?" He was sure by now that her tone was purely condescending, but the guilt inside of him didn't want to reassure himself, and was taking the words like bullets. Just by saying that he destroyed the headphones, with such a strong word, was making him feel gross and selfish. Why had he done that? Why couldn't he stop himself? Why was he so disgusting and irresponsible, a grown boy who had tantrums like little toddlers? 

He shrugged, how was he even supposed to respond to this? Before he could though, the woman reached into her pocket and pulled out a familiar looking device. Sunghoon's heart dropped. 

"And I don't suppose you recognise this mobile phone, do you Sunghoon?" 

He nodded. His gaze fell to the floor, blinking as his eyes sting with tears. Why was he so pathetic? He never cried, he wasn't supposed to cry, and now he was so close to crying, not too soon after he'd cried the previous night. 

"And I guess you just think it's okay, don't you? I suppose it's normal for teenagers to break equipment and to destroy other people's possessions. Do you know what that makes you? Hm? It makes you a brat, Sunghoon. Are you trying to be rebellious? Do you think it's okay to destroy company property? I guess you just think everything revolves around you, don't you? Grow up! Grow up, because you are under this label, we give you a place to practice and a place to sleep, but I could get you out of this place like that. Then you'll be on the streets trying to find your way home, do you want that? You are an employee, you are a child and you are not in charge around here just because you think you're going to become an idol! Do you understand me Sunghoon?" 

"I understand," he mumbled, his voice quivering despite his attempts to stop it. 

"I said do you understand me, Park Sunghoon!" 

"I understand!" He could hardly imagine a worse situation. He hadn't even been here for long, and he was already being scolded for something so pathetic and childish, "And I'm sorry, I'll be better next time." 

"If you step just slightly over the line again there won't be a next time. Now go and join the others and make the most of what the company provides for you, like the brat you are." 

He nodded and thanked them for excusing him, watching his feet as he left the building to go back to the dorms. 

-

The water behind the dam was building up again already, and he didn't want it to drown him like last time. He could hardly even stop himself as tears rolled down his cheeks when he entered the dorm. Jake was the first member to see him enter, and also the only because as soon as he saw the tears he led Sunghoon to their bedroom. 

He sat him down on the bed and waited for him to calm down, his arms around Sunghoon protectively to comfort him. 

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, as if he was a piece of fragile glass. 

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it, please." 

"Is it because you had to stay behind?" Jake asked, as insightful as ever, as he gently wiped the freshly fallen tears from Sunghoon's skin. 

He nodded, he couldn't lie much longer anyway. His gaze was still fixed on the floor as he leaned towards Jake. 

"What was it for?" Sunghoon was internally debating whether he should just tell Jake, and get it over with, even if Jake ended up telling him it's not a big deal, that Sunghoon was in the wrong. Sunghoon really hoped he wouldn't have to hear what he didn't want to hear again after what had just happened. 

Well, what dignity did he have left? 

-

He couldn't tell if his tears were happy or sad, but he knew that they were mostly empty. They were raw and strained, like he's already been drained of tears and now he was just crying for the sake of crying, for the sake of not being able to do anything else. 

"Hoonie, I'll see what we can do, okay? She shouldn't have spoken to you like that anyway, but it's also true that we can't have you getting too emotional, especially so close to our debut. But I think now that you've trusted me to tell me, it should be my responsibility too to help you, okay? We'll find a way to make it better, don't worry." 

He nodded, Jake's kind but honest words healing a part of his drowned soul.   
"And just so you know, none of us will judge you, ever. I know we haven't known each other for that long, but we all love each other, don't we?" 

"Yeah. I think we do." 

"You think? You should know!" Jake laughed, playfully hitting his shoulder. Sunghoon wiped his eyes, his face red from crying. 

Jake grinned, happy to see that Sunghoon was cheering up. "Now, how about we report that staff member for those shallow threats of hers?"


End file.
